Birthday week

Weekend was pleasant, but this week has been uninspiring. Having a birthday party this Saturday, but don't really want to. No reason, I'm just not in the mood. Other people seem to want it, so I said 'OK'.
She's definitely not so close now. Gave her a lift home Sunday evening, after a lovely weekend, but still seemed more distant in communication. Her parents were preparing to go away, and she's house and Grandmother sitting, so must spend a lot of time at the house. Therefore I don't expect to see her so much, but...

Surprisingly, over weekend, she did say that as she would be stuck at her parents', I would be able to go there some evenings, drink and stay. I thought that would be nice. Monday heard nothing, Tuesday nothing, so called her in the evening. She has been busy, helping her family arrange their vacation. I asked her to call me Wednesday (my birthday), and she was offended that I felt the need to ask. I only wanted to speak with her. She called Wednesday morning, but it was only lip-service, as if: "Right. Done that. Next task." Her parents were travelling that day so I didn't expect to see her unless she was free in the evening. Didn't hear from her, so went out for dinner alone - there was no-one else I wanted to see. Watching a movie back home afterwards and she called, but only for 2 minutes.

She called me this afternoon, telling me that the stalker had phoned her on some pretext, then invited her for coffee. About 10 minutes earlier I had had a text from the stalker, asking me to go into town and said I was busy. She must have suspected we were together, so tried to check this. We were both pissed off about this - and I explained that I have not had communication with her since the party 2 weeks ago, except for the text message response. She really pisses me off now.

Anyway, back to the important one. I see her on Skype a lot, but we are still rarely communicating. Today in conversation she did say that she prefers to communicate face-to-face, as do I, so perhaps she only calls long-distance people. I do think though she may be waiting for a call from Italy - probably one of these wealthy suitors I fear so much. She is certainly not so talkative about her activities at the moment. It may be a passing phase, but it makes it more difficult for me to speak with her as I worry so much. My brain is truly fucked! A couple of times I've messaged her on Skype, but had no response. this is such a change from a few weeks ago when we would communicate so much. She is definitely planning on a proper move to Italy in 6 weeks or so, and I am certain that this will end our communication. Maybe she's weaning me off her - trying to let me down gently? Whatever it is, it is a shame. I do not want to bombard her with phone calls, snoop or do any of the things that the stalker did to piss me off so much.

After a lot of thought, I have decided to write to her. A 'letter of resignation', if you like. The idea is at least to explain my feelings honestly and frankly before she leaves for good. This may yet drive her even further away, but I cannot stand by and witness her retreat into the distance without at least saying something. How could I if she really means so much? Will edit it over a few days, and then decide the delivery method and time. I want her to keep it, so an e-mail would be too impersonal. Printed letter or written by hand? I think the latter - or is that too theatrical?

I doubt she'll come to my party - the stalker will certainly be there - and she's not that interested in a lot of the people going. Neither am I to be honest, but it is a social obligation. We did discuss her stopping in my apartment during the party, so I could pop up and visit, and some of her friends could be there. I would like that. If she decides against that, I will close the apartment and have no visitors. I am not having the stalker finding any excuse to come to my apartment, and I am certain she will try. If I am alone here, I will refuse all visitors and retire upstairs alone when I've had enough of the party.

Mood today is sad and I feel hopeless. All I can do is wait, as I may yet be reading too much into her actions. I know she's busy tending to her Grandmother, but also feel that that is not it. I sense she has seen her future back abroad with a different set of people, and there is no space for me in that. Will see how she communicates between now and her friends visiting. I think I will leave the letter until after they have gone as well; I don't want to put her off-kilter in any way.