Now I'm sure I've lost her. Been over a week and not a word. I've e-mailed her 3 times and no response. Have seen a little activity from her friends on Facebook, but no response even to them since Sunday, and nothing to me since Thursday. I truly feel she has found something better to do; the demons have really started nagging me. I assume she's OK, as her old friends are in obvious communication, and they are also in the same city. However, as I have not even heard a simple 'hello, I'm OK' response, I can only assume she is less than seriously interested. It's an absolute heartbreaker.
The thing is, I never came here to look for a girl. I came here to try and make a bit of a life, and some business to set me up for my next chapter. It's ironic that now I have lived in 2 places renowned for Westerners going to look for girls, with that being the furthest thing from my mind on both occasions. When I lived in Bangkok, I had to endue the standard 'knowing looks', but I was honestly not there for the women. I miss the food, my friends and the beaches - that was what made life there so great.
Then I came to Ukraine. Again, not looking for women, but told repeatedly that it was why males of my age/nationality often went there. I never expected to meet a girl I would care so much about, never expected to fall in love. And shit I did it. With possibly the only girl in the city who does not really want to make something with me. Believe you me, I've deflected enough advances from girls in their 20's; then I get so into a girl in her mid-30's and it hurts. Shit I've lost her. Shit shit shit.
Cannot keep e-mailing her - I don't want to appear to be some form of sad stalker who mails her every day - obsessively, but I do think of her all the time. She texted me when she arrived, but from an Italian number. I responded immediately to say 'thanks', but don't know for sure it was her own number, and she'd not borrowed somebody else's phone, so don't want to send another message on that number unless it is confirmed that it's hers. She has my mobile anyway.
I don't want to ask her friends how she is either. I don't know them, and don't want to do anything 'weird' or stalker-ish to her. If I had had some form of introduction, perhaps it would be OK, but I really don't want to cramp her style or embarrass her. So there I am, stuck on the sidelines, missing the game, but getting odd snatches and trying to work it out from those. I really think that I've lost her now, and I love her so much it hurts. What will I do without her? She filled my life and reason here, and the hole is so big as to be impossible to fill for a long time.
She did originally say that she had to come back in October to take care of home stuff whilst her parents went on holiday, and I recall the date for them to leave being around my birthday. That is in a week and a half. Will she really be back by then? What do I plan for my birthday? All I really want to do is go out for dinner with her, then come back to the apartment and spend the night with her. Anything else would be hollow, and in my current frame of mind, a sad night. Can I plan an evening? Silly sad fuck I am.
For God's sake, I'm 43. Most of my friends are in settled, content, happy relationships, kids, house, security etc. I shouldn't be feeling like some insecure lovestruck teenager, fretting about a girl. For years I've pretty much kept women at a distance, not really falling for someone since I was 30 (really hurt then), and now, the first time I do again, it hurts even more. Will I ever learn? Have I the capacity to get over this blow? OK, I always knew I was (as previously stated) punching above my weight), but I tried really hard not to fall for her. I wouldn't have done if SHE had not come around so much, and been so goddamn special. I did not try to lure her, just let her do as she pleased. And I fell hopelessly in love with her.
Now I'm paying the price. I've lost her and it hurts so much. I don't know what more to say.
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