Sitting here now freezing my nuts off, trying to work out how I am being forced to become a clandestino, pretty much in a situation where I cannot leave the country without some form of issue. This is truly an uncomfortable situation and I am not happy with it at all. For one reason more than any: I have other responsibilities in life, which on occasion mean that I may have to leave, even for a short time, at very short notice. Here I can't even give notice to visit the next town without something appearing to impede my movement.
Why? Starting to think that this is on purpose, but by whom? There are several suspects within the building, but I cannot see to what ends. What are they looking to achieve out of my dependency? Money is naturally the first thing, but I do not have money. I am broke here, and those around me know this. OK, I am from a reasonably comfortable family, however in UK terms we are far from wealthy... vieux pauvre, if you like.
So what do you want from me? OK, sort of useful/useless within the actual property, since nobody ever communicates with me, and whatever I try to arrange is immediately foxed. It appears I cannot even arrange a table of guests for dinner without being over-ruled by the housekeeper.
No it seems that since I am at the end of my total time allowed here, if I leave the country I will not be allowed back. After repeated warnings from me to all I work with here.
Have collected and eaten soft-boiled eggs; real comfort food.
Have now been told that things will be sorted out during tomorrow. Comforting for tonight, but will truly believe it if/when I see it. It does make one wonder about personal security and freedom. Here was a situation whereby either I leave now and cannot come back or I stay here and cannot leave.
When I discovered this - this morning (much to everybody's surprise... as I had only been asking for progress with this for 3 months), my immediate response was to accept it as fact, and act. I started planning luggage, computer, phone etc, that would fit into aircraft allowance, so that I could collect the boss at the airport, pass him the keys to drive back across the border, and then jump on a budget carrier out of there to somewhere, sitting it out until they sorted out my legal re-entry. Simple.
Another possibility that came to mind was to rent a place in Poland and arrange a residency permit (Being EU it is simple). I could then sit near the border until the visa is sorted out, and pop in and out of here with no issue. Simple.
She went fucking mental. (Yes, she has reappeared, and been around a lot). After the horror (yes, horror!) of hearing that I was leaving tomorrow and unable to return for an indefinite period, her initial solution was to come and live with me in Poland. Next a 'we could get engaged' possibility, for my convenience - and I genuinely believe that. Then she got on the phone and started moving like you wouldn't believe. She doesn't want me, but obviously doesn't want me gone (!) What is the motivation behind this? I did get rather stressed about the clandestino solution - my being 'stuck' in the country. It's all about dependency: who can you depend on? who should you depend on? who wants you to depend on them? what is the payback?
It looks like in order just to stay here, I have to depend on somebody. Seriously. Already to approach any form of happiness and security I need her so much... now is even deeper dependency coming? Does she encourage this? Why? It is baffling. I really have to depend on somebody and that can only be her. I would not entertain getting engaged or married for convenience, but if it were for the right reasons and I didn't have such uncertainty about her feelings towards me, I certainly would. I can't do this here without her, and feel she can't do it here without me. But she still thinks I am an idiot.
Towards the end of the evening I was starting to feel as if the whole thing had been done on purpose to try and block me... but from what? I envisaging some random situation in the city ending up with me in the stripy hole, awaiting deportation... which could take months. Kick me out... fine! but please don't take 5 years to do it. I was starting to imagine my reaction - a serious survival instinct was starting to kick in; I was already moving to a 'defcon' level where I would consider the brutal removal of blockages to my safe passage. That scared me; naturally we all have incidents when we could react brutally, but this was rising out of such a simple, unnecessary situation. Suddenly I saw a threat to my freedom, and I hadn't done anything 'wrong' just accepted the locals' comments and advice that "We'll sort it out. Don't worry about it. There's plenty of time.". And now my own personal security was at risk as a result of that. I will not say here how dark I was going in my planned response to situations.
Will see how tomorrow goes.
Oh yes! I had a birthday party on Saturday. Shame, I've kind of forgotten about it with all the Monday stress, but on the positive note, here's a picture of some cheese I received:
And it tastes very nice too.
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