Well well well

Long time since I rapped at ya!

Drove to London from Ukraine in a couple of days. Quick stop in Holland and that was that. Nothing remarkable. Got to the apartment in Ealing, due to share with the Korean chap. Lasted 1 night. He refuses to clean after himself, and regards ALL food in the fridge as his, regardless of who bought it. He ate everything I brought to the house, and despite having the larger bedroom (over twice my rooms size), still had a load of his stuff in there. He was overbearing, and immediately started to try and boss me around. And scrounged all my cigarettes.

Fuck that. I drove to Macclesfield, and unloaded the car at Mallory Towers. Stayed for a couple of days and met up with another strange girl in my life. We went to the local craft-stuff market, and I found myself, by sheer fluke, parking the Landrover right next to my psychopathic paedophile ex-chef's van. I saw him in passing in the town centre, but he didn't clock me, being too busy grooming his new young protege.

However, when we walked back to the car, he was in his van. He spotted me, and started talking to his disciple, who was staring and laughing at me. He stopped laughing and looked a little surprised when I got into the Landrover.

Aaah the Landrover! When I returned to London a couple of days later, we took it for service and MoT. It was fucked - totally abused and neglected - no oil changes, no filter changes, front brakes down to the (cracked) disks. My boss played fuckwank, but accepted that what I had been telling him about the way the staff treated the car was true. Now they have really shot their bolt.

I went for a Thai with him on Portobello Road, which he really enjoyed, then took the train home, having explained why I cannot share with the Korean. He understood.

On return I immediately bought a little open-top sports car, an MGF. Silver with black hood, 70,000 miles and black leather interior. £850. Bargain. It runs like a dream and is fast enough to be fun. Clutch has started slipping, but at that price it's still a bargain.

As soon as I got home, I checked my e-mail, and received an invitation to Muscat, Oman. Buggeration, I had 3 days to play with the car (roof down in the cold sunshine) and then left. I had to leave it on the drive, and could have saved the money. Anyway what's done is done.

I flew to Oman via Abu Dhabi. First time in the Middle East. Sunshine, beaches, deserts and mountains. I acquired a nearly-new Harley Davidson and reacquainted myself with my love of motorbikes. I hadn't ridden since my time in South East Asia - UK weather and Ukraine road quality made me wary of having a bike, so I was 6 years out of the saddle. It has really fired me, and I aim to try South America on one within the next couple of years.

I also managed to obtain an all-over tan. I've always had a white stripe on my arse, so when I found the house had an un-overlooked roof terrace, it had to be done.

Had a month in Oman. Did what I had to do and came back. It was an interesting country and I would like to return. that may yet be possible - I will know in the next couple of weeks. The return included a 10-hour stopover at Abu Dhabi. I spent most of the time in the smoking room and met some very interesting people... including a Russian model, who was most impressed that I happened to be reading (I shit you not) a book of Russian poetry, in Russian. It had English translations, but I was only trying to learn the pronunciation of the words, not the meanings. It was given to me by my last Russian model's mother, around the time she was pushing me to marry her daughter.

She, by the way, is friendly with me again. We have had a little communication - she is currently in Prague, and aiming for Milan next month. I messaged her today - wishing her 'Merry Christmas' and telling her I missed her on her public profile. She responded positively on her public profile. So her friends know we are speaking again. I still do miss her very much, but do now think we'll meet again before long.

I didn't do the France trip - the boss wanted me to go, but still expected me to hang around waiting. He was spun out when I e-mailed him from Oman, but I needed to prove a point: I can find better things to do. He is currently in Ukraine with the Landrover, but will be driving it back - ha ha ha. If I haven't gone to Oman by his return, the 3rd week of January, I'll pop down to London to see him. He may have something for me to do which will pay me some money. Or maybe not...

So since my return a week ago, I've just wandered around the pubs, showing off my tan. Met up with the UK girl that I was once really into a couple of times - she's just texted me now, we're going to some form of society 'do' tomorrow night. Only because her car is knackered and she has to go there. Not sure whether I'm just chauffeuring or actually attending. Doesn't matter either way to me, so long as I know what to wear.

Been in my old pub a couple of times. I feel a little awkward, almost embarrassed to go in nowadays. It's still a nice place though. Last night the pub was dead, so I accompanied a friend to the Christmas Eve midnight mass at the local church. All the wording has become modern so it didn't appeal. My friend had had enough about half-way through, and I was bursting for the loo, so I followed him as he 'sneaked' out during the communion part. Tried to sneak out - the doors were locked and he made quite a noise rattling them, whilst I hid out of the congregation's sight on the staircase and giggled at his efforts. Eventually 2 regular church-goers came to his aid, and I scurried out when they had opened the doors.

Went to the pub by the church and ended up drinking rounds of shots. Christmas day was a little 'fragile'. Dinner at my brother's and home by the fire. Received a keyring that stores photographs, so loaded it up with pictures of my Russian model. Does that sound obsessive or stalker-ish? Don't care: I like to look through them - pix of us together, pix I took at home and when we were out, and modelling shots. She is beautiful and I still celebrate that. Obviously I'm not over her - I'm not so shallow as to switch her off overnight, and it will take a while for such intense feelings to diminish to the point where I can find a new mate. And no matter what, a part of me will always love her. Enough of that. it's now the end of Christmas Day, and I'm back at home with my parents. That makes a nice family time; my brother, sister and I are rarely all together.

And I get to walk the dog again.

Take it or leave it

Well, all is packed and my passport has returned. Looks like I'll be enjoying an Indian meal on Friday, and a Thai restaurant in London Saturday. Can't say I'm sad to go, not now. Will return one day for holiday, but maybe that will be a long time away. So I am told, they won't allow me back for 5 years when I leave this time. So be fucking it.

Will head to London for a few days, then down to the South of France. That will be a nice break. It will be good to see my parents, walk the dog and all that attendant home and family stuff.

Looks like all ties are severed with her. She fell out with me hugely on Sunday and said she never wants to see me again. Refuses to answer her phone or respond to texts. For a bullshit reason. Well, as this will be the last time I'll write about her, I'll put the situation down:

I was asked to arrange a guest list for Sunday lunch. She was interested and we put one together. Then the housekeeper said she had done it and the list was full. We cancelled our guests and decided that we were not going either, not to the 'cleaning lady's luncheon'.

Sunday morning, the boss asked me to go and buy some wine. When I came back he asked if I was going, and I told him I wasn't. He said he really wanted me to go, so I reluctantly agreed to support him. I then phoned her to let her know. I woke her up, and she said that she was tired, having not slept well, was spending the afternoon sleeping and would call me later, goodbye. Phone down. I didn't get past the 'How are you today?'.

So what do I do? Call her back? So I went to the lunch on my own, thinking at least I'd get some food and a drink in me. She called a couple of hours later, asking what I was doing. I told her I was at the lunch and she went fucking bananas, accusing me of not inviting her, bullshitting her etc etc, then put the phone down. She wouldn't answer the phone to me, so I texted her, apologising (why?), and she sent me a single, brush off response, ending 'Have a nice life'. Texted yesterday but no response. I see her on-line on Skype, but if she won't answer her mobile, she won't answer that. What a shame to leave on such bad terms. I will be leaving in approximately 24 hours and might not be back here for 5 years. The one person I wanted to continue any form of communication with has blown me out, and that wasn't my fault. I do think that it was just an excuse though, but hardly see the point if I am leaving anyway (after a lot of discussion and agreement with her), and she is also leaving next month. So why part on such bad terms?

I will text her when I am crossing the border - the last message I will send on my local mobile number. And wish her happy birthday in April. Apart from that, it has to be up to her - I am not going to harass her. She made it plain she doesn't want a relationship with me, and now is making it plain she never wants to see me ever again. I have told her how I feel about her - completely, and it is she who does not want that.

The most beautiful girl I have ever met. She brought sunshine to my life. The boss did ask me if I wanted to bring her with me, and I said 'yes', but could not as she is house-sitting, does not like London, and does not really want to get further involved with me. Had hoped we would meet in Europe somewhere, but now I know that if we do, it would be a frosty experience. Unlikely though, Europe is a big place, and I'm only small.

I do wish her happiness, but think it will become ever more difficult to find as she gets older. She's 36 now, and still single; her clock is ticking far more urgently than mine, and with every passing birthday, she will become less of a catch, especially if she remains so volatile. Maybe my offer is not the best, but at least it was sincere.

So it looks like this is the last words I will write about her. Sorry to have gone on about her over the past few weeks, but she truly captured my heart. Now she is gone, I'll have to fill the hole - and my writing here - with other stuff. Love her, miss her, want her. So very sorry.

Ready for the off

Plan is to leave Wednesday. Still believe it when I see it though. I will gladly place a bet the my passport will not be ready in time, and the boss will have to go to Poland without me. For whatever reason, they will fuck up my departure, even though they don't want me here. I reckon it's the car. They will do anything to stop me taking it out of the country; their plan is to get me out and leave the car.

Am packing anyway. Will still drive him to the border, but know that if he gets to the airport without me, I'll be impounded here until Christmas. Fucking Hell. She leaves in a month and then I'll be completely alone. She's now more interested in the chap that's following me - my communication link. She certainly has plans for him, and possibly plans for this apartment. Very interesting; she kind of wants to follow me, but kind of doesn't. I'll go where I go now, there will be a trail and the prize is so very well worth having, but you really have to be dedicated.

So many opportunities have opened up; I just need to get out from here. Don't believe that I'll ever spend more than a fortnight here again if I can possibly avoid it.

Have I a photograph to share today?

Make of it what you will.

So now I have a trip to London, with a couple of Cheshire visits. Might even try to pop to the Lake District for a couple of days. Then after say 2 weeks in the UK, a run to the South of France, and some time at a farmhouse there. Then, perhaps here, but I feel Asia calling. HK is possible, and with success there, could bounce to Thailand and repeat, progressing another project. One friend is suggesting Long Island. Hmmmm jury is out. I still don't know how far progressed I am on this trip and what I'm taking with me. And what I'm leaving behind.

Fun and Games

Yesterday took the biscuit.

The boss was flying over to a small airport in Poland. He asked me to collect him. All the visa shit that went down earlier was a result of learning that I could not leave the country to pick him up. If he hadn't been coming in, they wouldn't even have gone that far.

Anyway, I discussed this with him, and we agreed that he would be collected by a Polish chap at the airport and driven to the border. He then walks across and I wait on the other side in the car. We have a driver, so I could sit and chat on the way back to the city.

Yesterday, an emissary was sent from the office to dissuade me from going. Initial gambit was that is was too late and I'd be tired, so no need. We had arranged to set off at 9pm, so would return about 1.30. Not too late.

When I said it was no problem, I was then told that I couldn't go as my passport is not with me (at the lawyers). Smelling a rat by now, I explained that I was not crossing the border, nor was I driving. Surely I don't need such a document to be a passenger in a car? I would take the risk, as I really wanted to go see him.

Then the muppet from the office just said, 'We propose to CANCEL your going to meet him. So we will do that." I then insisted on the reason for this, saying that I had personally arranged this with the boss, and why was this such a problem? He went pale, and asked me why I insisted on going. When I replied "because I do, what the fuck is your problem with that", he rushed off and there was a lot of consternation in the building.

So we went to dinner. A very nice dinner on the outskirts of town. She was good fun and I realise how much I will miss her. It is a shame that it will never be; we've wasted a great opportunity.

The intermediary phoned to say my driver would be at the building in 30 minutes. We had arranged to go at 9.00pm, so after finishing dinner I walked back to the office, arriving at 9.00pm. No driver. No car. On the phone to find out where he was - nobody knew. Eventually I discovered that his phone battery was flat, and he didn't answer the phone until he was 50 miles out of town, heading for the border.

I told them to turn the fucker back. He returned to collect me, taking me to a different collection point then the boss and I had arranged. He did get a few calls on his 'flat' mobile en route, so the meeting point was legitimate. On the way back I explained how they had so deliberately tried to stop me from going to collect him, and in general always tried to block me whenever I wanted to use the car. He was not impressed.

Upshot is, I'm out of here. South of France for me. And I'm taking the fucking car.

Fight, run, hide

My passport has gone for some form of service. Last rites as far as I'm concerned. It is due to run out soon anyway, so will have to consider a new one.
Have decided, after good advice, that I am not going to make any money here. The building staff are determined to undermine anything I try to do, ignore any of my instructions, and generally take any opportunity to prove to the owner that I am not necessary here. Fuck them. I am not having my club's Sunday lunch guest list torn up and replaced by the housekeeper's choices. I've not even got the fight in me any more. Get me to a beach, and some decent food.

So over the next few weeks will try to find my next situation, somewhere. UK is the very last option, but may be necessary to re-collect my thoughts, and arrange the cash for the next adventure. Has been a good Summer though. No hard feelings - after all, it's not me that is losing. Sayonara baby.

I predict a riot

Music can hit a situation, or is that shit a shituation? Or are we in a hituation.

Sitting here now freezing my nuts off, trying to work out how I am being forced to become a clandestino, pretty much in a situation where I cannot leave the country without some form of issue. This is truly an uncomfortable situation and I am not happy with it at all. For one reason more than any: I have other responsibilities in life, which on occasion mean that I may have to leave, even for a short time, at very short notice. Here I can't even give notice to visit the next town without something appearing to impede my movement.

Why? Starting to think that this is on purpose, but by whom? There are several suspects within the building, but I cannot see to what ends. What are they looking to achieve out of my dependency? Money is naturally the first thing, but I do not have money. I am broke here, and those around me know this. OK, I am from a reasonably comfortable family, however in UK terms we are far from wealthy... vieux pauvre, if you like.

So what do you want from me? OK, sort of useful/useless within the actual property, since nobody ever communicates with me, and whatever I try to arrange is immediately foxed. It appears I cannot even arrange a table of guests for dinner without being over-ruled by the housekeeper.

No it seems that since I am at the end of my total time allowed here, if I leave the country I will not be allowed back. After repeated warnings from me to all I work with here.

Have collected and eaten soft-boiled eggs; real comfort food.

Have now been told that things will be sorted out during tomorrow. Comforting for tonight, but will truly believe it if/when I see it. It does make one wonder about personal security and freedom. Here was a situation whereby either I leave now and cannot come back or I stay here and cannot leave.

When I discovered this - this morning (much to everybody's surprise... as I had only been asking for progress with this for 3 months), my immediate response was to accept it as fact, and act. I started planning luggage, computer, phone etc, that would fit into aircraft allowance, so that I could collect the boss at the airport, pass him the keys to drive back across the border, and then jump on a budget carrier out of there to somewhere, sitting it out until they sorted out my legal re-entry. Simple.

Another possibility that came to mind was to rent a place in Poland and arrange a residency permit (Being EU it is simple). I could then sit near the border until the visa is sorted out, and pop in and out of here with no issue. Simple.

She went fucking mental. (Yes, she has reappeared, and been around a lot). After the horror (yes, horror!) of hearing that I was leaving tomorrow and unable to return for an indefinite period, her initial solution was to come and live with me in Poland. Next a 'we could get engaged' possibility, for my convenience - and I genuinely believe that. Then she got on the phone and started moving like you wouldn't believe. She doesn't want me, but obviously doesn't want me gone (!) What is the motivation behind this? I did get rather stressed about the clandestino solution - my being 'stuck' in the country. It's all about dependency: who can you depend on? who should you depend on? who wants you to depend on them? what is the payback?

It looks like in order just to stay here, I have to depend on somebody. Seriously. Already to approach any form of happiness and security I need her so much... now is even deeper dependency coming? Does she encourage this? Why? It is baffling. I really have to depend on somebody and that can only be her. I would not entertain getting engaged or married for convenience, but if it were for the right reasons and I didn't have such uncertainty about her feelings towards me, I certainly would. I can't do this here without her, and feel she can't do it here without me. But she still thinks I am an idiot.

Towards the end of the evening I was starting to feel as if the whole thing had been done on purpose to try and block me... but from what? I envisaging some random situation in the city ending up with me in the stripy hole, awaiting deportation... which could take months. Kick me out... fine! but please don't take 5 years to do it. I was starting to imagine my reaction - a serious survival instinct was starting to kick in; I was already moving to a 'defcon' level where I would consider the brutal removal of blockages to my safe passage. That scared me; naturally we all have incidents when we could react brutally, but this was rising out of such a simple, unnecessary situation. Suddenly I saw a threat to my freedom, and I hadn't done anything 'wrong' just accepted the locals' comments and advice that "We'll sort it out. Don't worry about it. There's plenty of time.". And now my own personal security was at risk as a result of that. I will not say here how dark I was going in my planned response to situations.

Will see how tomorrow goes.

Oh yes! I had a birthday party on Saturday. Shame, I've kind of forgotten about it with all the Monday stress, but on the positive note, here's a picture of some cheese I received:

And it tastes very nice too.

Birthday week

Weekend was pleasant, but this week has been uninspiring. Having a birthday party this Saturday, but don't really want to. No reason, I'm just not in the mood. Other people seem to want it, so I said 'OK'.
She's definitely not so close now. Gave her a lift home Sunday evening, after a lovely weekend, but still seemed more distant in communication. Her parents were preparing to go away, and she's house and Grandmother sitting, so must spend a lot of time at the house. Therefore I don't expect to see her so much, but...

Surprisingly, over weekend, she did say that as she would be stuck at her parents', I would be able to go there some evenings, drink and stay. I thought that would be nice. Monday heard nothing, Tuesday nothing, so called her in the evening. She has been busy, helping her family arrange their vacation. I asked her to call me Wednesday (my birthday), and she was offended that I felt the need to ask. I only wanted to speak with her. She called Wednesday morning, but it was only lip-service, as if: "Right. Done that. Next task." Her parents were travelling that day so I didn't expect to see her unless she was free in the evening. Didn't hear from her, so went out for dinner alone - there was no-one else I wanted to see. Watching a movie back home afterwards and she called, but only for 2 minutes.

She called me this afternoon, telling me that the stalker had phoned her on some pretext, then invited her for coffee. About 10 minutes earlier I had had a text from the stalker, asking me to go into town and said I was busy. She must have suspected we were together, so tried to check this. We were both pissed off about this - and I explained that I have not had communication with her since the party 2 weeks ago, except for the text message response. She really pisses me off now.

Anyway, back to the important one. I see her on Skype a lot, but we are still rarely communicating. Today in conversation she did say that she prefers to communicate face-to-face, as do I, so perhaps she only calls long-distance people. I do think though she may be waiting for a call from Italy - probably one of these wealthy suitors I fear so much. She is certainly not so talkative about her activities at the moment. It may be a passing phase, but it makes it more difficult for me to speak with her as I worry so much. My brain is truly fucked! A couple of times I've messaged her on Skype, but had no response. this is such a change from a few weeks ago when we would communicate so much. She is definitely planning on a proper move to Italy in 6 weeks or so, and I am certain that this will end our communication. Maybe she's weaning me off her - trying to let me down gently? Whatever it is, it is a shame. I do not want to bombard her with phone calls, snoop or do any of the things that the stalker did to piss me off so much.

After a lot of thought, I have decided to write to her. A 'letter of resignation', if you like. The idea is at least to explain my feelings honestly and frankly before she leaves for good. This may yet drive her even further away, but I cannot stand by and witness her retreat into the distance without at least saying something. How could I if she really means so much? Will edit it over a few days, and then decide the delivery method and time. I want her to keep it, so an e-mail would be too impersonal. Printed letter or written by hand? I think the latter - or is that too theatrical?

I doubt she'll come to my party - the stalker will certainly be there - and she's not that interested in a lot of the people going. Neither am I to be honest, but it is a social obligation. We did discuss her stopping in my apartment during the party, so I could pop up and visit, and some of her friends could be there. I would like that. If she decides against that, I will close the apartment and have no visitors. I am not having the stalker finding any excuse to come to my apartment, and I am certain she will try. If I am alone here, I will refuse all visitors and retire upstairs alone when I've had enough of the party.

Mood today is sad and I feel hopeless. All I can do is wait, as I may yet be reading too much into her actions. I know she's busy tending to her Grandmother, but also feel that that is not it. I sense she has seen her future back abroad with a different set of people, and there is no space for me in that. Will see how she communicates between now and her friends visiting. I think I will leave the letter until after they have gone as well; I don't want to put her off-kilter in any way.