Firstly an introduction: I am 43 years old, male and from near Manchester. Currently living in Lviv, Ukraine, but have lived in a few places. Will try not to bore you with history and anecdotes, unless they are relevant. The past is the past.
Trying desperately to understand the means of communication here. Have no language, but in some ways that makes understanding communication easier; much in the vein of a blind person, who develops enhanced sensory perception (hearing, touch, smell) to counter the loss of sight (try discerning Braille with your fingertips!), in not being able to understand the spoken conversations, the viewer concentrates on the underlying communication - what is really being said. Wish that were the case in regular communication.
Not here to talk about work. It may be referred to by incident, but not selling anything, or trying to show how good or bad or important or whatever. It is not a pissing contest.
Guess the real reason for writing is to find a place to put down thoughts - never been a philosopher, more a counsellor. And don't like to talk about myself too much with other people - don't want to be a bore.
I guess that here I can talk about myself with impunity. No-body currently knows this blog is here and that may continue for a while. Also, I'm not that important or ground-breaking for anything I write to be too sensitive, or matter in any way. Nobody has to read this blog - it is choice, so no apologies for being egocentric.
Making friends is becoming tricky here. Language barriers and common preconceptions of Westerners have to be dealt with. There is also the interminable issue of what people really want from you, and what they can/will genuinely offer in return. Cynical? Well after all this is about me. What do I get out of it? Unfortunately, it seems I have spent far too much time in the past helping other people without ever thinking what is in it for me. This has allowed people to gamble with my time and energy, sometimes until it became apparent we were flogging a dead horse. So therefore, it is time to do stuff for myself. Including writing for myself.
It's not just a case of starting to recognise and learn the game, but whether or not you want to play it, and again, what's in it for you if you do. There's been too many rainbows; now I really need to think. This is part of my therapy - and hopefully will stop me chasing more rainbows and finding something more solid in my life.
I have never married. That is a shame, and I fear I may never be in a position to raise my own children. This could become the great tragedy of my life. But how to deal with it? I could not just 'make a deal' with someone - there has to be something really there. Someone to share a complete life with, but what have I to offer? What security can I offer to a partner or child? I miss having that team-mate so terribly - but perhaps I never will find someone with the patience and practicality to deal with me. I'm not easy.
Anyone can be a busy fool. I have been that so many times, and yet it is also far too easy to procrastinate when there's no consequence on deciding 'yes' or 'no'. Just what IS important?
Please stop and think about that.
And in creating what you need, you hit the morality issues. Unfortunately my own morality is far higher than it should be for my life situation. At the bottom, when you are starving and homeless, your moral code is different - you will do many things for food and money that you wouldn't do if well fed, and content. Stealing for example. It changes according to a situation, but how low can it go? What would you do to get what you want? Or need?
Sorry about the diatribe. At least only I am reading it.
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